all 22 comments

[–]boriSRS 18 points19 points ago

I think as long as you have a solid understanding of enthusiastic consent you should be fine.

What exactly do you have a problem with? Asking someone out on a date? Getting physical?

My advice is: ask. "Hey, do you want to make out?" I know the dominant script is that asking is not sexy. There is a good article that explains things much better than I could.

[–]fempireenthusiast456[S] 11 points12 points ago

It's mostly an anxiety that any king of "going after" a woman would be seen as a threat. I just have a hard time trying to both make an advance, and not be threatening.

Again, I wouldn't say that I have been told I have been threatening to women on approach (mostly because I don't make any approahes), but I am doing my best to understand how hard it is to be a woman in this misogynistic society and I don't want to make anyone feel threatened, or trigger anyone based on any "self-fufilling" motives

[–]kinderdemon 20 points21 points ago

I wanted to say "hey, you're overthinking it!" but I've actually been there. At least for me, it was a kind of reaction to a lot of mind-changing issues, which made me ashamed of my own desire. Later I realized that in a weird way it was another way of projecting patriarchal issues onto women: making all sex about your horrible male desires imposed on "pure and innocent" women.

What you have to realize is that if a woman is even a teensy bit interested in you, your motives aren't "self-fulfilling" but genuine and are probably totally understood and possibly welcomed. As men we have to play the part of the initiator more often, because while social constructs are absurd, a lot of people have a hard time behaving otherwise, especially when something as nerve wracking as dating comes up. A lot of women will expect you to make the first move, and will feel hurt if you don't, especially if otherwise you act like you might like them.

TL:DR Sometimes it seems like the shitlords have a monopoly on sex and desire, but it isn't true.

If you like someone, and listen to them and act candidly but with tact and empathy, you should have nothing to feel guilty about with your desires.

[–]getrad 7 points8 points ago

Later I realized that in a weird way it was another way of projecting patriarchal issues onto women: making all sex about your horrible male desires imposed on pure innocent women

Absolutely.

[–]JoeDX 4 points5 points ago

I can definitely identify with this. It sounds pretty terrible to get hit on aggressively, and I see where you're coming from trying to avoid contributing to that feeling for someone.

I don't have any easy answers, not being the smoothest guy myself, but the simple and useless one is to just start a conversation. Think about when you first met anyone you're close to. You don't remember "the line" that started you talking with a friend, you just remember that at some point you spent time together and enjoyed it and started hanging out. If you go to a party and just start talking to girls, at some point a conversation like this will hopefully happen.

So, how do you steer that conversation towards mutual attraction, maybe even intercoursing? That's the bit that you'll probably have trouble learning on the internet. The best I can do is say that eventually you'll figure out how to tell when someone's interested. People start leaning closer together, laughing more than usual, casually mentioning being single, maybe what they're doing after the party, or the next day, that sort of thing.

If you express attraction naturally in the course of a conversation like that, girls will hopefully pick up on it and either reciprocate or shut it down.

[–]MagicMarker11 2 points3 points ago

I think as long as you're honest and open and up-front about it, and then listen to & respect the response you get, it won't be "going after" or threatening. Just use your words. It is a little hokey-sounding, but it can be really nice to hear explicitly something like "I think you're really special and if you're interested too, I'd like to see if this might go somewhere."

[–]A8252359 0 points1 point ago

All of the good advice I could give is already in this thread, I just wanted to add my voice.

If you don't want to sound threatening then don't be; just have an honest conversation with someone you are attracted to. If they reciprocate they will usually indicate it in some way. If you want to take it from there, I do actually find that "Hey, do you want to make out" is an excellent way to approach the subject.

Also, keep in mind that sexual relationships, like any relationship, are between two parties. That is to say that if you meet a woman, the two of you hit it off and, you decide to go home together at the end of the night, she isn't doing it because you want her to. She's doing it because she wants to.

[–]tuba_man 2 points3 points ago

The direct way has been really good to me. "Wanna make out?" is a good standby. Hell, I've even been so bold as to go with "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" It's usually after a good bit of flirting, but it's direct and makes it easy to respond in kind. It takes a lot of the guesswork (and stress) out of the process. Even getting turned down is easier for me, and it at least seems like it makes it easier for the people I pursue to feel OK in turning me down.

[–]Amputatoes 1 point2 points ago

Little bit of encouragement: I've had nothing but positive reactions to "can I kiss you?"

[–]bokurai 7 points8 points ago

It's okay to approach someone with a desire to get to know them as a person, or respectfully communicate your interest. :) Just respect their boundaries as best you can, and respect their answer if they turn you down. No harm in that!

[–]emiemipoemi 4 points5 points ago

Does anyone know if there is an SRS dating subreddit?

[–]curious_electric 9 points10 points ago

brd4brd? That would be pretty cool. :) But a prime target for haters!

[–]Augzodia 3 points4 points ago

it would probably have to be private

[–]kutuzof 0 points1 point ago

I doubt that'd be enough. There are some seriously deranged people in r/SRSSucks who would love to have a mechanism to meet SRSters IRL. That would be way too dangerous.

[–]llaemmae 3 points4 points ago

i think there is an srsrelationships, but i believe it is private.

[–]smart4301 0 points1 point ago

for discussion of dating or for finding people to date?

[–]HertzaHaeon 4 points5 points ago

Just being aware of potential problems and trying to deal with them is a very good start, much better than what most people manage. Denying yourself a life won't make anyone happy, however. Reducing the number of men women have to worry about by one is a good thing, but robbing willing women of your company isn't.

If you're worried your advances are unwelcome, make sure you make advances in a situation where you can be sure they're wanted. If you for example go to a dating site, you can be pretty sure everyone's there for pretty much the same reason. Or if you meet afk, make sure you're not pushy, but be honest about your intentions and let the woman decide. If she outright she'd welcome you making a move, or she herself makes a move, things are hopefully easier.

Also, it's better to aim to learn from your mistakes and be able to apologize for them, than to strive for perfection and fear what happens when you don't live up to it.

[–]llaemmae 3 points4 points ago

This is one of the reasons why I like internet dating. You know what the people with online profiles are looking for, because their profile says so.

Also, the article boriSRS posted. A guy once swooped in for a kiss on a first date and I was like, Oh no, mister, none of that. You ask first, wait for a yes, then kiss me. He received no second date.

[–]twr3x 0 points1 point ago

I may not be the right person to ask, because I'm consistently terrible at relationships beyond simple hookups, but what I did to make things happen more in that area was work on myself. Do more toward my career, buy more clothes that I like, work on my music, spend more time with friends. That made me worry less about my romantic/sexual prospects, and then more women came to me. Which is great, because like you, I don't make first moves often (unless the woman is making it blatantly obvious she's interested, and even then with caution).

[–]rmc 0 points1 point ago

Try online dating. Don't be an ass to people (ie if someone turns you down, respect that and move on, etc). People on online dating are asking and looking for a date.

[–]ChuckFinale 0 points1 point ago

I've been experimenting with this sort of thing. I'm a straight dude. When I meet someone whom I am attracted to, I often ask about their romantic situation, and if someone doesn't really open up about it I'm done. If someone is like "I'm VERY single ;) ;)" then I'm not.

Then, I guess to disambiguate things I might make a statement basically declaring my attraction. Obviously if they're not responsive to this I don't press the issue at all.

Then I mention my intentions, and this will be different for everyone, whether I mention physical intimacy or dating, or whatever.

What I'm trying to avoid is the sort of "oh we are making friends and then SURPRISE I THINK YOU ARE HOT". Also the sort of "HEY IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN ME I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU".

I also want to minimize undue and unwanted come-ons, and not assume that it is acceptable in all contexts to compliment, ask about, or proposition folks.

Now, as I'm writing this, I'm aware how problematic it is to write a "script". that's Pick Up Artist garbage. I'm just saying what I've been trying, and it's anecdotal successful. The people who want what I want respond very well, and the people who don't aren't horrified and creeped out. After "getting rejected" I've made some good friends.